All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
