If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
