Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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