There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
