if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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