Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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