Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
