Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
