they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
