Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
