i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
