I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
