So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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