need another drink. this is the easiest way
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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