I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
