fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
