There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
