worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
