I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
