grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
