Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
