New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
