So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
