Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
