woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
