I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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