I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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