i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
