I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
