I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I need to sanitize my soul.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
