I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
