so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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