Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
