Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
