the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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