I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
