i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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