Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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