Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
