I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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