Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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