I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
