cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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