Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
