Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
