just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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