alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
