We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
