I met the friendliest cop last night
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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