she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
